Happy Anniversary.

The hardest part about writing to you is always trying to figure out what i should tell you. I never know until I know, if that makes any sense. I never really stress about it unless it’s the middle of the night and I still haven’t thought of something I can tell you. It’s not so much a thinking of what to say, it’s more thinking of how to put what I feel into words. I told you I always look for the perfect thing to say, that was wrong. What I should have said was I’m looking for the right words to tell you how I feel. I struggle with it sometimes, other times it’s a lot less difficult for me. No matter what, I never stop until I have something written down to share with you. Sometimes I don’t send them to you because I fall asleep writing them at one in the morning, but I always have something written down for you everyday. I love being able to write to you, because it helps keep me close to you through the distance. It’s not the only thing that keeps me close to you, but it helps. I am really happy I have someone worth doing this for. I really am. Not just the writing either. I’m happy you’re worth going through all of this for.

I am grateful for every laugh we share. I’m grateful for every kiss we share. I am grateful for every tear I get to wipe, or lick, off of your face. I am grateful for every night I get to spend by your side. I am grateful for every time we got to make love. I’m grateful for every conversation, argument and fight we have ever had, and I will be grateful for the ones that we will have in the future. Nicole, I am grateful for you. I am grateful to God for bringing me to you, and blessing me with your love. I am grateful for every moment we are together, and I’m looking forward to every moment we are going to have in the future.

I am going to be with you for the rest of my life. No matter how far apart we are, no matter how much we may fight, no matter how much it may hurt, I will stand by your side and I will be with you always. Whether we achieve everything we dream of or not, you will always have me, I will always be yours and I will always love you. The day I look forward to most is the day I can see you again. The day I can hold you in my arms everyday, the day we can sleep holding each other every night and the day I can wake up next you every morning.

You are, and will always be, the most important person in my life. You are my best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate, my one true love, and the woman I will give my heart and soul to everyday of my life.

Happy anniversary.

I love you. I always will. No matter what.

http://nicolemarie251.wordpress.com/

It Doesn’t Change How I Feel.

I usually complain when Nicole does this. When she acts like I’ll get bored of her, or I’ll leave for whatever reason. I hate it but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s very deflating and depressing though.

There’s a different between “I don’t want you to get bored.” and “I know you won’t get bored.”

She’ll say things like, “Sometimes people get bored.” and “We haven’t been together that long.” I think it’s bullshit. She knows who I am at this point. She knows what I want because it’s what I’ve always wanted to have with her. It’s been the same since the beginning and it hasn’t changed. I want to spend my life with her, that’s never going to change. When she does this, it’s makes it harder to make that happen.

It’s very frustrating. Distance already sucks, it’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with when you know you’re waiting for the person you’re going to spend your life with though. When she does this, it makes me believe she doesn’t think I am that person for her. I know she is for me. At least I know she could be, she has to feel the same about me though. I don’t understand why she doesn’t.

At this point, I want her to pick a side. One day it’s “I can’t wait until the day we wake up next to each other everyday.” the next it’s “We haven’t been together that long.” and “People get bored.” I feel like she doesn’t understand how much it hurts me for her not to be sure. It makes me feel like everything I’ve done over these almost 16 months haven’t been for anything and that she doesn’t really believe me.

I don’t want that at all. I want us to always be together. I believe we will be. I believe we will always love each other and always be in love with each other. My feelings are never going to change. Now I just need to know what she really feels like.

Me.

“Where have I been all this time?”

That’s what I ask myself in the late hours of the night. When my roommates sleeping, or trying to, and everyone else in my dorm is passed out drunk or going through the process of being drunk and then passing out. When I’m alone and I think about me, I’m happy to see the person I’m becoming, the person God is shaping to me into, and the man that I have always wanted to be.

Drake has a line in his song, “Pound Cake/Paris Morton Music” when he says,

You know it’s real when you are who you think you are.

I honestly believe that couldn’t be more accurate. When you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “I love what I see.” It’s a beautiful thing haha. I’m not talk about how you appear physically, I mean what you see on the inside, as clichéd as that sounds haha. It’s a great feeling.

I am by no means finished growing. This is only the beginning. My story is just getting started and I am going to do everything to the best of my ability and do what I know to be right in my heart. I hope to make my family proud, I hope to make the love of my life proud and I hope to make God proud. When I die I want to be able to look back and say, “I made the most out of the life God gave me.” and watch over all of my loved ones that still have life to live. I want, and kind of expect, Nicole to be there with me so we can watch together. That would make me really happy.

There’s a long time before we have to think about that. Right now, I need to live the very best life that I can. I plan on it.

God.

I don’t post about God very often. Well not directly. I thank him for Nicole a lot, but I don’t post about him or my journey in finding my faith. I want to change that, at the very least for tonight.

I’ve always believed there was a God. I’ve always thought there was something greater, something more important, something I could feel but couldn’t see. That’s been God this entire time, the Holy Spirit too.

I always thought it was some kind of super power when I was little haha. I always thought I was different and had something else inside of me. I never really knew what it was, plus I have a crazy imagination so I always thought it was a spirit or something anyway. I’m grateful for it, even if I didn’t know what it was.

I love God. I’m grateful to God for everything he’s done for me, and all things he has planned for me. I’m going to repay all the blessings he’s bestowed upon me, and I want to make him proud of his disciple.

I’m Not Worried.

I struggle with certain things when Nicole and I are a part. I hate when we can’t talk. It makes me feel like we’re getting farther from each other because we can’t see each other so talking to her is all I really have. I can see her when we FaceTime but that’s as close as I can get for right now. I’ve learned to just appreciate what I have with her at the moment. I can’t see her but that doesn’t mean I can’t get closer to her. I love when we can just talk, especially if it’s something serious. I appreciate deep conversation with the person I love.

I’ve been trying to get to the point where I can function and be good and then we can pick up right where we left off. My grades in college are A LOT better now than they were last year, and I hang out with people a lot more. I still like to chill and have my space, but I enjoy going out now too.

One of the things I struggle with is overreacting to things. Like if we don’t talk for a long time during the day I freak out. Whenever I’m busy doing something I wish I could just talk to her. In the middle of the day I wish I could just go get her from work and walk her back to her dorm room. I wish I could do those things all the time but I can’t and there’s nothing I can do about it right now.

Knowing I can’t do it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be with her though. I don’t mind waiting because I know I have something worth waiting for. I’ve found the person I am always going to be with, for better or worse. I’m going to have that with her and it makes me very happy.

I don’t worry about being around other girls because I know I’m not going to do anything with anyone else. I don’t want to and honestly I never want to. I know she won’t believe that right now. I’ve accepted it even though I don’t like it at all. I’ll just have to show her she can trust me again. I don’t mind doing that at all. I’d love to actually.

I dream and I hope that we are always together. I pray for it a lot too. I pray for it all the time and I think that’s pretty significant. I love Nicole. She’s very important to me and I always want her to be in my life by my side. That’s I’m working for and working towards. I believe God’s on my side and he’s helping me make it happen one day at time. I’m not worried.

We Talked (Kinda).

We kind of talked today.

She said she didn’t really have much to say to me and, even though I know that isn’t true, I understand that. I did something wrong, but I don’t think it’s worth throwing away almost 16 months of being together because I touched a girl’s butt when I was drunk. I honestly don’t.

She said actions speak louder than words, but up to that point all I’ve done is show her that I want to be with her, so that doesn’t make any sense. It honestly just made me mad. The distance, the letters, surprises, birthday cakes, both of her necklaces, etc. I could go on, but that’s besides the point. I have done a lot, up until I drunkenly touched a girl’s behind, to show her that I only want to be with her. I’m not trying to understate what I did, because it was wrong, but not saying anything to me about it honestly still pisses me off. Like she could write about it but she couldn’t tell me says a lot and none of it is good. It’s not even just this, she does it all the time when something’s bothering her. She will not tell me anything and it really bothers me.

I feel like that should never be an issue, just like I’m sure she thinks touching another girls anything should never be an issue. This has been going on from the beginning though, and I thought it would get better with time but it hasn’t. It bothers me because she always says, “I just need you to always be open and honest.” I have been, but she doesn’t do the same for me.

I always feel like I try harder than she does. Always. Like yesterday, I was trying to talk about it with her. She wouldn’t respond to me all day, but then would text me goodnight. I don’t operate that way. If there’s a problem then say there’s a problem. Especially if it’s someone you care about and love. Saying nothing says a lot. It means you don’t care or you’re not interested. I hadn’t said anything until today but that hurts. I know I hurt her, but I never intended to. She does this a lot and it’s the absolute worst thing you could do.

I’m making myself mad again so I’ll just stop here.