What I’ve Been Thinking Lately.

I haven’t really written about Nicole and I. I always post something about our Anniversary so I’m not really counting that right now. It’s very important, don’t misunderstand, and I am expecting a lot more anniversary posts in the distant and not so distant future, but this is different.

I love her, and she’s the one I want to always be with. Being with someone forever might seem like I fallacy to some people, especially the way people are now a days, but I really believe we have that kind of love. I’m sure about it and that’s the biggest reason I’m a lot more comfortable with the distance than I was last year. I trust that she’s always going to be there and she’s always going to love me and only me. Is it scary sometimes? Of course. Anything can happen I suppose. There’s no guarantee she will stay with me through anything and everything. I have faith in her and us. I believe we will be together forever and I pray every night we will be. That’s something I want to have with her and only her. It might not seem realistic but I honestly don’t care. I’m going for it.

Distance isn’t enough for me to stop being in love with her. Neither is both of us being busier than we’ve ever been. We can’t talk as much as we did in the Summer, but we can talk everyday and that’s something. I just don’t want anything to happen, because I really do love her. I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what I’m always going to love her. Whether everything works the way we want it to or not, I’m always going to love her and be there for her. Unfortunately, I have to be ready for the “It might not work out the way we hope” part.

I wish that she would always be mine no matter what we went through. No matter the distance or anything else that may follow in the future. I hope she’s the one that always stands by me, like I will always stand by her. Come hell or high water, I hope we would always be with each other and ready to take on whatever came our way. That’s what I want for us. I want us to have that kind of love that never goes away and only gets stronger as time goes on. That’s what I pray for a lot. You can ask God. He knows.

I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing. Hopefully it will all work out the way I want it to. I’m pretty sure it will.

Rhymes.

Every day I searched for the light,

I always wanted to do what’s right.

Yet when I’m alone I could always see,

There was something else inside of me.

For when I strived to reach the light,

Darkness was there to start a fight.

An endless war that I thought one must lose,

I wondered which one I would choose?

When I tried to choose my side,

This is what I realized.

No matter how much light there is tomorrow,

Darkness will surely always follow.

The Path.

I find joy in a lot of things that people would never pay attention to. Even the littlest things can make me feel something deeper, and sometimes I feel like even something as simple as which way path I take to walk back from class says something about the person that I am and who I’m trying to become. A smile, a deep conversation with the person I love, a period at the end of a text, a song, an album, a prayer, everything makes me feel something. I like feeling things. I just don’t like getting swept away by my feelings because then I’ll either overreact or shut down. I still love to feel though, I love who things make me think and shape me in different ways. It’s exciting.

I was walking back from supplemental instruction the other day and it was really dark out. I was listening to Drake, the best only time to listen to Drake is at night, and there’s always these two paths to get to my dormitory here at school. The path to my left was very well lit, there’s street lights all the way down and the path to my right was very dark and it went under a bridge. I’ve told myself I’m only taking the well lit path to my left, because I didn’t want to be walking around the darkness, even though I feel just as comfortable doing so.

Realistically, it doesn’t matter what path I take to get back to my dorm. Either way I’d get back perfectly fine and in one piece. However, I feel like it’s symbolic in way. I have choice of which path I’m going to take just like I have a choice of how I want to love my life and how I want to be remembered. I have a choice of the type of person I want to be and what I want to stand for as an individual. I walk the well lit path because I want to walk in the light. I want to walk on the right path and I don’t want to stray into the darkness. I know what’s right for me, and walking around in the dark isn’t it.

I know it sounds crazy and dramatic, but it’s how I see things all the time.

Sixteen Months. 💏💑😁

I’m sorry it’s been so long. From now on I want to post at least once a week. Just to have fun really, and be honest about everything that’s going on.

I have never felt like forever was attainable before. I never have. I have always wanted to be with one person for the rest of my life. The thought of being with person after person was never really appealing to me when I was younger, and now that I’m older it’s so much less so that it’s almost disgusting to me. People make it sound like I should be trying to have sex with any and every girl that I can, and I don’t like that. Never have. I just want to be with one person and that’s all. That’s a choice I’ve made a long time ago and I’m at peace, and very happy, with it.

Nicole…..I really love her. I want to be with her and I want us to be together forever. It’s been sixteen months and I feel like I’ve finally figured it out. It’s difficult for me to find the right words to describe it, or it used to be. I just want her. That’s all. All of her, every second I’m able to have her. I feel that, as long as I’m with her, I’m with the person God meant for me to be with and stay with. So that’s what I want to always have, and that’s what I want to always be blessed with. I hope for it every second. I pray about, almost every night for a few months now. I just pray for her and really just ask God to let her know how much I love her and how much I care about her. To give her whatever she wants and to let her know I’ll always be by her side. No matter what happens. Is she chooses to always be with me, and to always be in love with me, then I’d honestly be the happiest man on Earth. If not, she always has me if she needs someone. I will always love her. I will always be in love with her. I promised her that. It makes me smile sometimes because I know its honestly how I feel, and it makes me feel like she feels the same way I do and she always will.

We’ll see though. ✌️

Three cheers for five years!

Originally posted on LOVEANDCORPS:

 

Brayton,

20140831_224804

Five years. Sixty months. Two hundred and sixty weeks. One thousand, eight hundred and twenty six days. It doesn’t matter how you look at it. Tomorrow you and I are hitting a major milestone in our relationship. No matter how hard I try to wrap my head around it, I just cannot fathom the fact that you and I have been a couple, a unit, for five long years. 

I can literally remember the day that you asked me to be yours. Five years ago, to this day, I was thirteen year old eighth grader who wanted nothing more in her life than a boy who would hold my hand. A boy who would make me laugh, just like in all of the books I had read throughout my life. I wanted a boy who consumed my thoughts and stole my breathe. Little did I know that five years…

View original 979 more words

There once was a man that had it all.

With so much power he felt above the law.

Money, power, women, he seemed on top,

The only problem is that it never stops.

One million isn’t enough, he has to have two.

He has to have more, so he’ll never be through.

He has two cars, and now he wants four.

Never satisfied, he has to get more.

First one girl, then two girls and now even three,

Pretty soon he’ll have enough to give to you and me.

Not matter how much he gained or how much he was blessed,

This lust still remained even when nothing was left.

No cars, no money, his lust left him ruined.

This constant obsession was his own undoing.

There’s only one downside when you want it all,

The higher you can climb, the further you can fall.

The “Other” Child.

I’m going to my half-brother’s graduation party today, and honestly I really don’t want to go. I don’t particularly care about that side of my family, probably because I know they don’t particularly care for me. It’s weird being the “other” child. The one with the different mom, the one with the different family, but to be honest I’m more blessed than any of my siblings. God gave the best family in the world. No matter what I do, who I become or what I believe they will always love me and always let me know that I belong with them. Even if we don’t speak all the time or see each other often, I know where the people that love me are, and that is with the Hart’s.

I can’t stand my dad’s side of the family. I don’t like being around them. It just feels wrong. It feels like I’m trying to get there acceptance, and quiet honestly I couldn’t care less if we never spoke or saw each other again. I don’t think I have ever hated a human being, like truly hated another human being on God’s green earth, but the closest I’ve come is my father. I believe that I might honestly truly hate him, and that’s horrible. I should love my father. I want to love my father, but it’s hard to love someone that does not love you back. It’s even harder when mom says, “You know he loves you right?” you should never have to ask that in the first place.

My grandmother, and my boss Eddy said this as well when we were in the truck together at work, always tells me honor you father and mother or your days will be short. She said it is in the bible and I believe in this, as well as everything else that is in the bible. It is just really hard to do with my father. It’s hard to love someone that never made you feel like they wanted you. That didn’t try as hard with you as he did with his other kids. Who’s only form of showing he “cared” was to pay his child support and that was because he had to, not because he wanted to. What’s even worse is that he lives in the area. He stays about an hour or a little bit less away, but I’m your son, you can’t make an hour drive to say what’s up? To say hi? To say I love you? He’s more of a cautionary tale than someone I should be honoring. I won’t go against what is God’s word though. I just want to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons, that’s all.

Even though there’s a very large portion of me that doesn’t want to go, I’m going to. I just want to move on from the feelings I’ve had. I can’t let them control my life and what I’m doing. I need peace of mind, and I’ll only get it if I move on from my father and his side of the family.