I’m going to my half-brother’s graduation party today, and honestly I really don’t want to go. I don’t particularly care about that side of my family, probably because I know they don’t particularly care for me. It’s weird being the “other” child. The one with the different mom, the one with the different family, but to be honest I’m more blessed than any of my siblings. God gave the best family in the world. No matter what I do, who I become or what I believe they will always love me and always let me know that I belong with them. Even if we don’t speak all the time or see each other often, I know where the people that love me are, and that is with the Hart’s.
I can’t stand my dad’s side of the family. I don’t like being around them. It just feels wrong. It feels like I’m trying to get there acceptance, and quiet honestly I couldn’t care less if we never spoke or saw each other again. I don’t think I have ever hated a human being, like truly hated another human being on God’s green earth, but the closest I’ve come is my father. I believe that I might honestly truly hate him, and that’s horrible. I should love my father. I want to love my father, but it’s hard to love someone that does not love you back. It’s even harder when mom says, “You know he loves you right?” you should never have to ask that in the first place.
My grandmother, and my boss Eddy said this as well when we were in the truck together at work, always tells me honor you father and mother or your days will be short. She said it is in the bible and I believe in this, as well as everything else that is in the bible. It is just really hard to do with my father. It’s hard to love someone that never made you feel like they wanted you. That didn’t try as hard with you as he did with his other kids. Who’s only form of showing he “cared” was to pay his child support and that was because he had to, not because he wanted to. What’s even worse is that he lives in the area. He stays about an hour or a little bit less away, but I’m your son, you can’t make an hour drive to say what’s up? To say hi? To say I love you? He’s more of a cautionary tale than someone I should be honoring. I won’t go against what is God’s word though. I just want to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons, that’s all.
Even though there’s a very large portion of me that doesn’t want to go, I’m going to. I just want to move on from the feelings I’ve had. I can’t let them control my life and what I’m doing. I need peace of mind, and I’ll only get it if I move on from my father and his side of the family.
As I put my fingers to the keyboard, I dream of thoughts to record.
What feelings are worth to let pour, and what others should I keep in store?
Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, before hours turns to days I decide to hit the showers.
Maybe I’ll just call it a day, let my head lay, then after I rise I’ll just let it all spray.
Maybe attention they’ll pay, to all the pain that I show, to all the joy that I feel, for my desire to grow.
Into a man that became greater than any prediction, one that always stood by his convictions. One that always took the time to listen. The man that always found what his life was missing.
I miss you dear, right now I wish it was your lips I’m kissing. From now until I die I will always belong to you. It doesn’t ever matter what we’re going through.
Come hell or high water, I’ll be right there by your side. Come hell or high water I’m ready to ride or die.
No matter what comes in the future you will always have my heart. Nothing not even death could ever tear us apart.
The picture that we’re painting is really a work of art, and I’ve always known it right from the very start.
I’ve never talked about cheating since I’ve been with Nicole, I’ve never thought about cheating on her and I am not ever going to. It’s a scary thought to me and I want to talk about it so I never have to worry about it again.
I’m human, so maybe it’s natural for me to be curious. Maybe it’s normal for me to be attracted to other girls, the thing is, I’m not and I don’t want other girls.
Cheating is an irrational fear that I have. I believe that it’s coming from my real fear, which is commitment, sort of. I want to spend the rest of my life with Nicole, I am going to one day and I’m certain about it. I just worry about things that can go wrong, because I don’t want them to. That’s the most terrifying thing to me, losing her. My life is so much better now that she’s in it. I don’t want that to ever change at all.
I love her too much to lose her or let her ever walk away. I can’t ever lose her.
I hate it when she doesn’t talk to me. I hate it when I know something’s wrong and she doesn’t tell me. I can’t stand it at all. I don’t see how that helps anything. Especially when I ask her to tell me and she doesn’t say anything except “it’s fine” or “nothing” or “don’t worry about it” I’m supposed to worry about it. I want to know what’s bothering her, but if she won’t tell me, what’s the point?
Honestly it frustrates me sometimes. It makes me so mad and I’d rather not say anything about it because getting mad at her won’t help. She’d just shut me out even more. I guess I’ll just let it go and go to bed. I can’t force her to want to talk to me or tell me anything, so I’ll pray on it and go to sleep.
I have always been bad at coming up with titles to my posts. I always try to make something deep and usually introspective when I write. Sometimes though, it’s better to just write something. It can boring, funny, even downright dumb, as long as I’m writing everything is okay. It’s such a stress reliever. It is therapeutic, in more ways than one, and I need that.
Lately, I’ve had negative emotions. I get angry at times and it’s weird because I have no reason to be, but it happens. I feel like I want to scream out, but I can’t. It’s been happening for awhile now, but I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I’ve prayed about it, maybe once, but I will tonight. I don’t want to feel this way, now or ever. Hopefully God will help me get through as best I can. ✌️
I’m starting to love Summer. It’s always so nice and warm. It’s very calming to me. Everything just feels better during the Summer.
Economics is going really well. I don’t know why mom was worried about me doing poorly, the class isn’t hard at all. My problems with school work have always been about doing the work, not being able to comprehend it. As long as I’m putting in effort I will be fine. That’s the only thing I need to work on for next semester.
I actually have friends at work! It’s cool. At target I was cool with people, but I wouldn’t consider anyone my friend. At MST it’s definitely different. We talk about sports, music, everything. I even have nicknames haha. They call me “Reverend” and “Strong Colby” because I’m good and I can lift heavier things. It’s a really good time, even though all we do is lift stuff all day.
I love being good. I love being a good person. It fulfills me. I feel like that’s part of my purpose in life, to be genuine, to be good person and to be a good Christian. Especially that last one. Being a good Christian is very important to me.
Nicole is the love of my life. She is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with and the person I want to spend the rest of my life. When we went on our date it was honestly the best time I’ve ever had with another person. It made me really happy. It made genuinely happy, but I need to settle down for right now.
Until next time. ✌️