Nicole doesn’t want to talk anymore, at least not as much. She said that she has nothing to say when we talk, and that if we’re not actually talking about anything in-depth there’s not really any reason to talk. This has never been a problem before today. We’ve talked everyday for the last 18 months, so I didn’t take it too well. I’m still not honestly. I don’t like it at all. Who says goodnight at 6:30 in the afternoon? I don’t know what it means at all. It doesn’t sound good at all. From where I’m at, it looks very bad and I don’t have a choice but to wait and see how things go. After all, I can’t force her to talk to me, or make her want to. I’m not worried about her cheating on me or finding somebody else, if she is/does than that just means she wasn’t the one for me and I was wrong. Maybe she just doesn’t want to talk as much because we have talked everyday, and if that’s the case then I guess there’s nothing I can do about that. It sucks though. Who wants to stop talking to someone they love at 6:30 in the afternoon? I feel like I might lose my best friend and I can’t describe how much that terrifies me. We’ll see though. Only time will tell. I am going to handle it the best I can, and we’ll go from there. Hopefully nothing really changes. I have faith.
I have a lot more friends now than I did last year here at college. It’s nice and I like hanging out with the people in my hall a lot better than being alone, but Nicole will always be most important person in my life. Last year I didn’t have as many people around to take my mind off of us and distract me, now I have a lot more. It’s supposed to be a good thing, and I have fun with everyone because we laugh a lot and watch movies and stuff, but I really want to do all of these things with Nicole, not them. Nicole is my best friend. She is always going to be. It doesn’t even feel right half of the time being with other people. It never feels right being around the girls. I don’t feel bad because I am never going to be with any woman that’s not Nicole, I just wish I was around her as much as I’m around them. I used to tell her, and still kind of do, whenever I would hang out with the girls. I would do it so she would know I am never going to hide anything from her, but it just made her really upset. She would barely speak to me and she only does that when something’s bothering her or when she’s upset with me. I was trying to reassure her that nothing is ever going to change us and that I am never going to leave, but I was doing the opposite.
My fear is that we’ll start to grow apart instead of growing together because we’re busier, more people are in our lives and we can’t see each other as much. I know this won’t happen and I hope and pray it never does, but it is a fear I have. Everyone here knows I am in love with her, I’m not sure if they know we are going to get married after graduation, but everyone knows I am always going to love her. I even told my mom that I am going to marry her after graduation and that I was always going to be in love with her. I wanted her to know I was serious. The best way to do that was to tell her the truth about what I want for us and how I feel. I am really glad I did it.
We get to see each other in 10 days! I’m looking forward to being with my soulmate again.
I’m having a lot more fun in college than I was last year. I have a lot more friends and I do a lot more now than I ever did last year. I’m happy here now, and that’s good. The baseball team is really cool, for the most part. The girls on the track team in my hall are nice too. Some of them are a little too sensitive, but they’re goofy and it’s a good time being around them. I love the guys in Cru too. I’m learning about discipling from Matt and it makes me nervous because I don’t like talking to random people I do not know. I’m making it a priority to get over that fear though, because I can’t serve the Lord to the best of my ability if I can’t spread his word effectively. It’ll help me in other areas of life too. So hopefully I can do a better job of it.
My courses are going really well too for the most part. I’m having an issue in my art class that needs to be resolved, but other than that I am doing pretty well. I like going to class and I like doing well in college. I’ll be honest though, I’m not buying into college being “The Best Years of Your Life!”. I think that’s bullshit. Why should the best years of my life be between the ages of 18-22? Life has just started. College isn’t even real life. I never get too hyped about anything here, I’m looking to get a foundation for me to start a great career while I am here. Not party or get blackout drunk or do drugs or any of that other stuff people do here. That might make me lame or too serious or whatever, but I’m perfectly alright with that honestly.
I’m pledging in a fraternity next semester! It’s not what you expect though. I don’t like social frats. I’m not the frat boy type and I never will be. A lot of them are assholes. Not all of them, some of the guys I know are actually pretty cool, but a lot of them are and I’d rather not be associated with that. I’m pledging in Sigma Alpha Sigma Mu, which is the first Sports Management Fraternity of it’s kind. I have to get my grades up first, but after I do that I’m going to pledge. I’m willing to do (almost) anything to get a job in professional sports, so hopefully I’ll be able to get in. God willing I’ll be able to. He’s brought me this far with everything, he’ll keep me going.
I miss Nicole everyday. She’s pledging in a sorority right now and we’re not able to talk as much. It’s not ideal, not her pledging, I’m happy for her and I want her to be a sister, not being able to talk sucks. It doesn’t change anything at all though, we have our whole lives to be able to talk. The best way I can show her I will always love her and I will always support her is to talk to her when I can and let her know I’m with her every step of the way. She said her biggest fear is that we’ll grow apart because we can’t talk. I don’t see that happening at all, at the very least not on my end. She apologies a lot for not being able to talk, there’s not really a reason for it. I want to see her succeed and do well. That’s what I want for her. As long as she doesn’t quit or drop I won’t have a problem. As long as she doesn’t let the sorority change how she feels about us I’ll be perfectly fine. I feel like she should know I’m not going anywhere by now. I’m not ever going to. Even when things get harder. She’s too significant for that. God didn’t bring us this far for us to ever stop being together or being in love with each other. I honestly believe that.
I know everything is going to work out for the best, and I know that I’ll get everything I need. Hopefully I will get everything I want to.
The hardest part about writing to you is always trying to figure out what i should tell you. I never know until I know, if that makes any sense. I never really stress about it unless it’s the middle of the night and I still haven’t thought of something I can tell you. It’s not so much a thinking of what to say, it’s more thinking of how to put what I feel into words. I told you I always look for the perfect thing to say, that was wrong. What I should have said was I’m looking for the right words to tell you how I feel. I struggle with it sometimes, other times it’s a lot less difficult for me. No matter what, I never stop until I have something written down to share with you. Sometimes I don’t send them to you because I fall asleep writing them at one in the morning, but I always have something written down for you everyday. I love being able to write to you, because it helps keep me close to you through the distance. It’s not the only thing that keeps me close to you, but it helps. I am really happy I have someone worth doing this for. I really am. Not just the writing either. I’m happy you’re worth going through all of this for.
I am grateful for every laugh we share. I’m grateful for every kiss we share. I am grateful for every tear I get to wipe, or lick, off of your face. I am grateful for every night I get to spend by your side. I am grateful for every time we got to make love. I’m grateful for every conversation, argument and fight we have ever had, and I will be grateful for the ones that we will have in the future. Nicole, I am grateful for you. I am grateful to God for bringing me to you, and blessing me with your love. I am grateful for every moment we are together, and I’m looking forward to every moment we are going to have in the future.
I am going to be with you for the rest of my life. No matter how far apart we are, no matter how much we may fight, no matter how much it may hurt, I will stand by your side and I will be with you always. Whether we achieve everything we dream of or not, you will always have me, I will always be yours and I will always love you. The day I look forward to most is the day I can see you again. The day I can hold you in my arms everyday, the day we can sleep holding each other every night and the day I can wake up next you every morning.
You are, and will always be, the most important person in my life. You are my best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate, my one true love, and the woman I will give my heart and soul to everyday of my life.
I love you. I always will. No matter what.
I usually complain when Nicole does this. When she acts like I’ll get bored of her, or I’ll leave for whatever reason. I hate it but there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s very deflating and depressing though.
There’s a different between “I don’t want you to get bored.” and “I know you won’t get bored.”
She’ll say things like, “Sometimes people get bored.” and “We haven’t been together that long.” I think it’s bullshit. She knows who I am at this point. She knows what I want because it’s what I’ve always wanted to have with her. It’s been the same since the beginning and it hasn’t changed. I want to spend my life with her, that’s never going to change. When she does this, it’s makes it harder to make that happen.
It’s very frustrating. Distance already sucks, it’s a hell of a lot easier to deal with when you know you’re waiting for the person you’re going to spend your life with though. When she does this, it makes me believe she doesn’t think I am that person for her. I know she is for me. At least I know she could be, she has to feel the same about me though. I don’t understand why she doesn’t.
At this point, I want her to pick a side. One day it’s “I can’t wait until the day we wake up next to each other everyday.” the next it’s “We haven’t been together that long.” and “People get bored.” I feel like she doesn’t understand how much it hurts me for her not to be sure. It makes me feel like everything I’ve done over these almost 16 months haven’t been for anything and that she doesn’t really believe me.
I don’t want that at all. I want us to always be together. I believe we will be. I believe we will always love each other and always be in love with each other. My feelings are never going to change. Now I just need to know what she really feels like.
“Where have I been all this time?”
That’s what I ask myself in the late hours of the night. When my roommates sleeping, or trying to, and everyone else in my dorm is passed out drunk or going through the process of being drunk and then passing out. When I’m alone and I think about me, I’m happy to see the person I’m becoming, the person God is shaping to me into, and the man that I have always wanted to be.
Drake has a line in his song, “Pound Cake/Paris Morton Music” when he says,
You know it’s real when you are who you think you are.
I honestly believe that couldn’t be more accurate. When you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “I love what I see.” It’s a beautiful thing haha. I’m not talk about how you appear physically, I mean what you see on the inside, as clichéd as that sounds haha. It’s a great feeling.
I am by no means finished growing. This is only the beginning. My story is just getting started and I am going to do everything to the best of my ability and do what I know to be right in my heart. I hope to make my family proud, I hope to make the love of my life proud and I hope to make God proud. When I die I want to be able to look back and say, “I made the most out of the life God gave me.” and watch over all of my loved ones that still have life to live. I want, and kind of expect, Nicole to be there with me so we can watch together. That would make me really happy.
There’s a long time before we have to think about that. Right now, I need to live the very best life that I can. I plan on it.