We talked last night, and that’s good. I don’t like us not talking but we’re fighting a lot. We’re arguing a lot and we don’t normally do that. It’s stressing me out and I feel like I should have just left certain things alone, but I can’t do that. I couldn’t. Certain things piss me off and hurt me, like when she shuts me out or when she says “You don’t know if you’ll always love me.” and things like that. So I have to tell her. I have to express that. What she does with it or how she takes it, that’s up to her. I sent her a long text last night but it wasn’t angry, when she does that it just confuses and hurts me. There was a lot of love in that text too, but she probably won’t see that. She’ll probably just see the negative in it.
Am I the only one that thinks that’s weird though? Am I the only one that thinks it’s a problem she feels like that? I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or not. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what she wants from me. I don’t know if she even wants to be with me right now. She said she wants me to be happy, but she makes me happy! When she’s herself and the person I know she makes me the happiest person in the world. Not when she’s shutting down and upset. When she doesn’t talk to me, that’s playing a game to me. If you care about someone and you really love someone, you make sure you talk things out, and if you don’t feel like talking you say that. You don’t say nothing. Things don’t blow over when you say nothing, they get worse. Silence says a lot about how you feel about a relationship. It says you don’t care what happens or you just want it to be over. If that’s what she wants she needs to say that.
I hurt her, I thought it was because of the snapchat video, but it was because of the drinking. I told her I can stop if it’s making her upset and hurting her. That’s not a problem at all. Then she said that would make her uncomfortable for me to give up drinking for her, but that doesn’t make sense to me. It’s just alcohol. It’s literally poison. Why would I put drinking alcohol over you when I love you? That makes no sense. I don’t want us breaking up or anything but I really don’t know what to do. Maybe if we did that would make her happier than being with me. Maybe she’s got someone else and that’s why she’s not talking to me. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.
Nicole isn’t talking to me. She’s really mad at me about what happened last weekend. I posted a video on snapchat of girls dancing and she saw it. She saw it and said she wanted to take a break. My initial thought was, “It was a video and I didn’t even do anything.” Everyone I talked to about it said it could have been 100x worse. I was really drunk too but that’s not an excuse. Now…I understand why she’s hurt. I do, if it was the other way around I’d probably want to scream at her and I would be really, really angry.
I don’t like this though. Not talking makes everything worse. The message it sends is that she doesn’t care. So when things get hard, she’s going to walk away. She’s not going to try to fix it, she’s going to leave. That’s not the type of person I thought she was. Not talking is the reason I’ve been partying in the first place. I can deal with a lot. I can deal with distance, and fighting and stay faithful. I never lie. I never cheat and never will. I would never leave. That stuff isn’t hard for me. I love Nicole.
There’s things that drive me crazy though. I can’t deal with not communicating especially when there’s distance, that’s a death sentence for any long distance relationship. When she shuts down its hard on me. Right now it’s really hard on me. I can’t deal with feeling like she thinks that I’m not going to stay true to my word. Like when she says, “You can’t promise me that you’ll never leave.” or “You don’t know that.” Why can’t I? Why would I say that if I didn’t mean it or wasn’t going to follow through? The day before I went out this weekend we were talking and it was great, until she said “Well I can still hurt you…you’re just gonna have trust me.” Like who says that? What am I supposed to think when I read that and you’re almost 600 miles away from me? All I thought about is when she was texting that guy when we first started dating. I never felt worse, and I acted out when I got to school. I would drink and party because sitting and thinking about it was eating me alive. Things like that are hard to shake, but I did it.
This sucks and I want us to talk about it. I want to get everything out so we can be good again. We were perfect just a little while ago. A snapchat video isn’t worth losing everything over. Especially when we say, “I’ll always love you.” and “I look forward to having kids with you.” I would never hurt her intentionally. I don’t try to hurt her. It happens but I never try to. I don’t think she would hurt me to get back at me because she’s hurt, but I don’t know. I really don’t.
It hurts me a lot when this happens, but this is part of distance. Things are going to happen and you can’t run away. You have to keep going. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I want to know what’s going on with her. I just want to fix it so this stops happeneing.
Last night I was at my weekly Man of Action Group, it’s for all the male leaders in Cru, and we talked about surface sins and heart idols. Surface sins being the sins we commit everyday, such as lying or hurting others, and heart idols being the reason why we commit these sins. There were about 8 heart idols we talked about, but the one that stood out to me is control because I struggle with it every single day.
I’m not controlling, but there are certain situations where I feel like I need to have control of things I have absolutely no control over. I do it because, I don’t want bad things to happen and I don’t want to be hurt. So I’ll worry and I’ll get down on myself, because things may not go how I want them too.
We talked about it, and I realized there’s absolutely nothing I can do about the things I can’t control and that it’s completely up to God. As much as that might scare me, or anyone like me, it’s the truth. God knows what he is doing and he knows what’s best for me. If I can’t trust anyone else, I can trust him. So last night was the last time I will worry or get scared or doubt anything that is not in my control. I will leave those things up to him.
I missed my family a lot! I got to spend the night with everyone for the first time in what seems to be forever, and it was nice just seeing everybody.
We went to a hookah bar, I love hookah even though it’s horrible for me, and a few of my cousins shot pool. I would have, but I’m horrible and these games seemed really competitive. If they were for fun and so I could get better, I’d be all for it.
It was good to be around family for a night. It always is. I miss them a lot.
It’s important to love yourself. It shouldn’t be the most important thing to someone, there’s no need to be narcissistic, but it’s really important to love yourself because if you don’t nothing will seem good in your life.
That’s what I need to work on more, just loving me. Doing things for myself and not for anyone else. That might be selfish, but it’s important. It’s just as important as loving others, because you can’t truly love others if you don’t love yourself first.
I can honestly say that I don’t love where I’m at right now. I don’t love who I am right now, because I know I can be more than this. God wants me, and everyone else, to be all they can be and love who they are, because he made everyone with the ability to be great. He made everyone in his image, which means everyone has the chance to great. Part of being great is loving, and knowing, who you are, and that’s what I need to do.
I’ll work on loving myself. I’ll be happier that way.
Nicole and I were arguing, and it’s always about the same thing. Just that we don’t talk as much. I don’t want to be needy and controlling. That’s not my thing at all, I don’t care that we can’t talk all day. I get upset because when we do, it’s like I’m talking to a wall. Our conversations are usually great, even the pointless ones. That’s all I need when she’s 500+ miles away. If we can’t talk to each other then we don’t have anything, and it always sucks when we can’t talk.
My rationale for getting upset is that Nicole and I don’t see each other at all for long periods of time. All we can do is talk or FaceTime until we can actually be next to each other. So for 8-10 months out of the year, all I can look forward to is talking to her. That’s more than fine, I love her, but if that’s gone it’s hard for me not to get upset.
I told her I didn’t want to talk today, because I don’t want to say something dumb or make it worse. I hate it. I feel like I’m losing Nicole. I do. I hate it. I don’t really know what to do about it though. So I’ll just let it be for now.