I’ve been staring at my phone thinking about how to start this off for pretty much the entire day. When I was riding in the truck making deliveries at work, I’m working for LightHouse Pool and Spa as a drivers assistant for the rest of the Summer, I would just sit and think of what to write. Now I’m back home and I still don’t know how to start talking about how I feel about Nicole and our relationship in general.
The words escape me, because how do you really describe being in love with someone? How do you really express that feeling with words? I just feel whole. I feel amazing at times. I feel like I can really trust her with everything that I have to give. I never want to leave her side, even when I can’t see her face. Even when things get really bad, which has happened a lot more in the last few months than the first two whole years, I never want us to end.
Speaking of the fighting, I hate it. We never used to fight this much. We’d get upset at each other when we were apart and have misunderstandings like any couple, but we’d always be super happy when we were together and happy for each other when we’re apart. The last couple days she was here, we got into a huge fight. It’s never been that bad when we were together before. The worst part is I honestly don’t even know why it got that bad in the first place. I just know I never want that to happen again. She cried more than I’ve ever seen her cry when we worked it out, and I’ve never hurt so bad. I hate seeing her cry, even if it’s because we’re not going to see each other for a really long time. I’d rather see her be happy.
We fought again recently, it wasn’t nearly as bad, but I’m tired of it. The strain it puts on us is unnecessary and I want to make her happy, not make her upset. If I’m not making her life better, why is she with me you know?
She wants to live her life to the fullest, so I have to let her. I already know I won’t see her for Christmas break and we couldn’t spend the 4th together this year. It sucks a lot sometimes because I really want to see her, but I would hate it if she missed out on something because of me. She wouldn’t want me missing out on anything because of her either.
She really has made me believe that we will last forever. People think I’m crazy, like my mom, but it really doesn’t seem crazy to me. It feels right. It feels like it was meant to be. That’s all I need to know.
Am I still worried and scared? Honestly…no. There’s no reason to be. I trust her. If things ever change for her, then hopefully we can fix it. Not saying they ever will, I just can’t speak for her. I can only speak for me, and I know I’ll always be in love with her. She’d probably be like, “You don’t know that. You can’t say that.” but I do. If she asks me how I know, it’s because she made me fall in love with her. Now I just know.
I want to always be with with her. I want us to have that clichéd love you always see in movies. I want us to be bestfriends, not just boyfriend and girlfriend. I want it to always be us one day. Be, and stay, married. Have children. I want to have that with her, because it feels right. It feels like true love. I honestly believe thats what we have. Only time will tell, but I believe God really out the one into my life.