My Past Keeps Coming Up.

(I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I remember feeling so enamored and consumed by my feelings, I remember how scared I was of losing them, now I’m calm and not so stressed. They are still there, I just feel different…I don’t know if I like it or not.)

I see everything I did wrong in my past relationships now that I’m with you. I see everything that I have done wrong, because a lot of them were similar to ours, in certain ways. There are a few total differences though, I’ll get to those later.

All of my relationships had distance. That’s common and I’ve learned how to handle it better now that I’m older than I ever could when I was younger.

The first girl named Paige, I really liked her. Until I saw that she wasn’t right for me. I won’t go into too much detail, but she had way too much going on. I committed myself to her…at first. When I couldn’t see her anymore I would talk to other girls, I’d even tell her about it. She would have other boyfriend…and girlfriends. Looking back I don’t know why I ever talked to her at all. We faded quickly.

Next was Taylor. We were over even faster. We started talking and when we text each other sometimes we’d send the message at the same time haha. She was a nice girl. I wasn’t a good guy. When I couldn’t see her anymore…I cheated on her. This was Summer after freshman year of high school. I didn’t even know who you were…and that’s probably a good thing.

Daniella was the girl I cheated on her with, we were over even faster and I felt horrible about what I did to Taylor. Once we couldn’t see each other anymore…I don’t even know why I did that. Daniella and I stopped talking a few weeks after we did what we did because we couldn’t see each other anymore.

Now I’m with you, the one I want to marry, and there is distance again. This is different though. There’s trust. There’s love. We are bestfriends. I don’t want to hurt you like I hurt them or they hurt me, and I know you won’t do the same. I don’t want to be with anyone else other than you. I love you.

I was always insecure back then. Always. I would always break up with Paige and get back together with her. I would lie to Taylor. With Daniella it was always about sex. I never trusted them. They didn’t trust me and if they did I ruined it.

Now…I just want you. I feel like God blessed me with you so I would know what real love is, and to never let it get away. He blessed me with a beautiful, intelligent, funny, kind, determined, perfect person. The person that I love with all of my heart. The person I hope I’m blessed enough to spend the rest of my life with and make happy for the rest of her life.

I know I say it a lot, maybe too much, but I love you. Honestly, deeply and truly. I will love you forever and I can’t wait to see you again.


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