I always avoided being around other girls since we’ve been apart. For a few reasons. The first being that it’s easier to commit myself to the one I truly care for and love, even if there’s distance, if I’m not around other girls. That’s just something I want to do. The second reason, which I don’t think is a concern anymore after last semester and especially after today, is because I did not trust myself completely. I was so ashamed of it because I know who I want to stay with, but I needed to make sure I had changed completely. The final reason Is because I don’t want anyone getting in the way or coming in between what we have, and are going to have.
The whole reason I hung out with Mak was to prove to myself I’m in this forever because I knew she liked me and if I could handle that then I’d be fine. That was dumb. I proved myself right but it was dumb.
Today at the track meet there were girls all over and I wasn’t looking at any of them. I never do anyway, but I felt like it was different this time. It felt so effortless. Completely effortless. It made me happy.
I’m glad I got to FaceTime her tonight. I love her. I miss her. If I could spend every minute of my life next to her I’d be happier than anyone. I hope she’s okay. She was really sad earlier and it made me feel bad. I wish I was there to make her feel better, that’s all I want to do. Hopefully we’ll get through these next couple months easily and we can hold each other again.