So Many Questions. So Many Answers.

There aren’t even words to explain how I feel right now. They escape me and I can’t find them. Something that is so clear to me and yet I question and reexamine what I already know to be true. I love her so much. I want her next to me. I want her to be with me forever. I’m afraid to write these things down. I’m afraid to say them too much because then I feel like they don’t seem genuine and that God won’t let them come true. Is it better to say I love you once a day, then several times a day? Is it better to keep your desires between only God and the one you truly love? I don’t know, but I know what I want.

I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I want you to always be with me and only me. You could never be replaced by anyone. You are my family and nothing could ever change that. I just want to be yours and only yours.

I’m happy for you. I’m proud of you. I love you. I miss you. It hurts not being around you. I expected that to get easier, it only gets harder the closer I get but I don’t ever want to stop getting close to you. I just want to be good enough to keep you always. Getting through this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’d do it a thousand times if it meant I always get to be with you. I’m afraid of failing. Not cheating, to be honest I don’t look at other girls even when I’m around them. It’s like I’m looking past them and it makes me happy because that’s how I know you’re the one. I’m afraid of doing something wrong, and I can’t be. I’m never going anywhere, and if I messed up I’d stay and try to fix it. I’d rather fight with you then lose you. I’d rather be hurt all day, every day then not have you at all. I can’t imagine my life without you. The more time apart there is…the more room I have to grow. That’s a scary thing for me. I know I have to grow, and become great.

The possibility of failing and losing my way from you in the process of becoming the man I know that I can be, is really terrifying. If something happened to us, something bad, would you just move on and forget about me? Would you delete everything I ever sent? Every long text. Every note I sent while you were asleep. Every post from my blog? Would you wait for me? Would you push anyone else away? Would you wait for me to come back and be yours again? Could you forgive every mistake I made?

I’d never ask you to do any of that. I couldn’t. I don’t expect you to. It’s just some of the things I think about. I’d never jeopardize what you and I have because I want this to last for the rest of my life. If I need space to make that happen at some point then I’ll cross that bridge when it arrives. Until then I just want to be with you until my dying day. I’d rather be hurt with you then devastated without you. I just always want you to be mine. I always want to be yours.

I love you.

That’s never going to change.


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