Realistic.

Nothing you say or do could change how I feel about you or us. Even if you’re prepared for something to go wrong. I can say that I’ll never leave. I can say that I will always love you. I can say that I will never love anyone else. If you don’t believe it then it doesn’t matter. I guess at least one of us should be “realistic” about our relationship. I haven’t been because I never thought anything would go wrong. If it did I just assumed we would get through it. I guess I shouldn’t anymore. I don’t know.

It’s funny, because my friend and my sister told me not to fall so deeply in love. They said it was great that I feel this way about you. That I want to have more with you and I expect to have more with you. They told me not to just assume and be more realistic about the situation. Now I’m kind of stuck between feeling hurt and really mad and just continuing to do exactly what I have been and just letting it go. It’s really hard for me to just let it go right now though. I feel really stupid at the moment.

I never really thought about something going wrong down the line. Things are great. I feel they are deeper than they’ve ever been. I was expecting to keep getting closer to you and I’m going to. I never thought about, “Something could go wrong.” when I did anything with you. Not once. I still don’t. I will wait for you as long as I you wanted me to. I plan on marrying you, I never had any other intentions but marrying you from the beginning. You are my bestfriend, so I believe that would be enough to always keep us together.

I just feel like being realistic in long distance relationship is expecting the worst. They usually don’t workout for whatever reason. You brought up Mak and how she thought her and her boyfriend would get married and they didn’t. He cheated on her all the time. Would I ever do that? No. Would I leave? No. Would I fall in love with another girl here? No. I may not understand what being realistic means. Should I do and say everything to you thinking, “We might not be together after all.” Has anything I have ever sent you or said to you given you that idea? Probably not. If I felt like that I wouldn’t do any of this. If I wasn’t sure you were the person I was going to be with I wouldn’t do this at all.

Nothing about a long distance relationship is realistic. Loving and committing to someone unconditionally that you can barely see. Waiting months at a time for one person because you love them and always want to be with them and only them. Honestly believing that they would never be with anyone else and they would always wait for you, even when they’re almost 600 miles away from you and they could do whatever they want and you would never know. What’s realistic about any of that today? Why do you think I feel the way that I do? What we have is amazing. It has to be from God. It’s like nothing I have ever felt for someone and I could never feel it for anyone else. I knew you were the one because you’re waiting for me. So when you say, “I have to be realistic” what am I supposed to think? I think you think something will go wrong eventually and you’re prepared for the worst. It’s unrealistic to believe I’d always be yours right? Or that I would always wait for you? Are you worried I’ll change or something like that? I don’t know what you feel and that sucks because I can’t change how you feel.

I’m not mad anymore. It doesn’t help anything. I believe you are the one. I always will. I feel like I can’t trust you right now. I feel like I should change a lot of things now. As long as you’re not sure there’s some things I shouldn’t be doing. I shouldn’t give all of myself to you until you’re sure that this is going to last. I’m going to anyways though.

I need you. I want to spend my life with you. I will always be here for you. I will always love you. That won’t change. Everything I have ever said to you about spending my life with you and wanting to marry you is how I feel. Now I feel like I said that to someone that may not have truly believed it because it wasn’t realistic. Maybe you thought I was just trying to be sweet or something like that. I wasn’t. I was being honest.

If I’m being honest I don’t think I can be realistic about us. I can’t do anything with you thinking, “Something might happen down the road”. That’s not what I have done for almost eleven months and I refuse ever to be like that with you.

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