I’m not too fond of this feeling I have right now. I hate it. I feel stuck and I’m not sure how to handle it. I wish I had someone to talk to about it, but I don’t so I’m writing on here.
It’s not something I’d usually bring up, but I feel like talking about it instead of keeping it in will make it go away faster. We can’t talk as much anymore, I feel like even though there’s been distance we’ve always spent all day talking to each other. It could be about anything and it was all the time. I really miss that and it bothers me because I don’t want it to bother me at all and it does. When I couldn’t talk to her while Nicole was in the DR, I made it sound like it would be easy to go almost a week without talking to her. It was hard, it was very hard. I tried my best to get over it and be strong about it because I felt so weak. Every night I just wished I could say anything to her and I couldn’t. The thing that made it easier was that it was a way to show that I don’t have to talk to her everyday and I’d still always be there. Now when I can’t talk to her it just sucks because I miss the most important person in my life. I know she’s busier now with crew and everything so it’s fine. I love that she’s doing something with herself. Even if it bothers me that we can’t talk.
Maybe I shouldn’t be so into her as I am. Let me explain that. I don’t want to take everything so personally. Do I want to talk to her all the time? Of course. Do I wish she could be all mine and no one else’s 24/7? Yes. That’s not going to happen while she’s away. She has her own life there. She’s got to make a life for herself. She has friends and she hangs out with everybody, even other guys at times. I can’t let that bother me anymore. I don’t know why it ever did really. I just don’t want it to anymore.
There’s things I can’t control. I can’t control how she feels when we’re not together. I can’t force her to believe we’ll always be together, or think I’m irreplaceable, or want to marry me. I can’t force any of those things to happen, no matter how much I want them, and I really want them. More than anything honestly. She’s not thinking about that right now, so I don’t know. I talk about it all the time. I feel like I should stop for some reason. I want us. I pray for us. No matter what I do, I can’t force us. I don’t really know what she thinks as far as those type of things. She doesn’t really talk about those kind of things, when she has it’s been great. I don’t know why I feel like this right now. I want to get to that point where I know she would never go anywhere. Maybe you’re not supposed to get there though. Maybe getting there makes you get comfortable and you don’t work as hard. So maybe I don’t want to get there after all. Maybe I need to get to the spot that keeps me working for us to be together forever. Whatever keeps me giving constant effort for us, that’s what I need. So that’s what I’ll work for.
I love Nicole. I love her more than I will love anyone. I plan on doing everything that I have said I was going to. Marrying her. Spending my life with her. Making her happier than anyone else could. That’s what I desire more than anything. So I’ll have to work for it every day.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I was stronger with a lot of things about us. I hope it comes with time, because I don’t want to feel weak anymore. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough, I actually feel like I’m not good enough right now. I hate feeling like I’m too weak to keep going when I know that she’s the only person I will ever want to be with. I want to be stronger. I want to make us last forever and I never want us to stop. I want to do it on my own, but I’m gonna need the Lord to help me make it happen.