My great grandmother passed away, and now I’m in Georgia getting ready for the funeral with the rest of the family. My grades aren’t in the greatest spot for school. Not at all actually. I’m off academic probation, but it’s still not where I saw myself being after my first year. The worst part about it was having to tell my mother I’m in danger of losing my scholarship. I still have a chance to be able to keep it for next year, but I have to have a plan in order to bring my GPA up, which I have. The look on her face, seeing how angry she was made me realize just how badly I messed up. The last couple weeks I’ve felt like nothing, less than nothing even.
My friends think I’m nice. At school I’ve been called a loyal man, a good man, a good person, a real nigga and I’ve had people tell me that I have changed a lot since I’ve been away. I’ve also had people tell me I’m lazy, I’m unmotivated, I don’t want anything for myself because I’ve never had to get anything for myself, that I need to grow up (About three times from my mother and once from a professor I respect) in order to be more than just another good person. Truth be told it’s been the most difficult last couple weeks of my life and I hate that I put myself here. I know what I can do, I just gave no effort and that’s unforgivable. To not try is the worst thing a man can do and I see that now. I’m about to be twenty years old and not trying is the absolute worst thing I can do. I talked to my barber Don about my situation because he went to my university, he told me that I’ve failed by my own standards but the most important part of failure is your response afterwards. You become great by failing and trying again. He out emphasis on the word trying. The person you are when you’re down and out is the person you truly are and if I’m half the man he believes I am I will be just fine by next year. Maybe better than just fine.
I accomplished nothing in college my first year. The friendships I had we’re bad for me and I stopped hanging out with everyone about five weeks ago. I should have been more social and found better people to become friends with. I should have worked harder. I should have treated college as my job and I did not. Now I’m working just to be able to stay next year, instead of to excel like I should be doing. I’m disappointed and it’s embarrassing. No matter how much I try to shake it, I can’t because all I want to do is fix it. It’s all that’s been on my mind for weeks and I am ready to make some permanent changes. Things are going to get a lot better, I just need to do what needs to be done.