That’s Just How I Feel.

I wish it were more silent in my room right now. My mom is watching a movie or television show in the next room very loudly, so I kind of have to dig more deeply to focus on what to say about what happened today. That’s okay though, because this post should be better for it and I want to make sure I’m profound.

When I was at work today, one of my coworkers Latrell asked me if my girl was fat. I said “No.” and him and his friend Jameel, another one of my coworkers, asked if they could see a picture of her. I said “No.” Then Latrell asked, “Damn Colby…she that important we can’t see a picture of her?” I said “Yes, she really is.” From that point he asked me a few more questions, like how long we’ve been together followed by whether or not I was in love with her, and I answered them both honestly.

Later when I went over my auntie Vicky’s house, I guess there was this girl that came outside next door, and my Uncle was like “Oh she’s got on so,eh really short shorts, look over there nephew.” I wouldn’t. It kind of started this thing with Queen, Unique, him, my Nana (That’s what I’ve called my grandmother since I was 3 I believe) and auntie Vicky. They were getting on me about not looking at other girls, at one point Queen was screaming “LOOK! LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!” and Unique said something that made me kind of mad for a second.

Look at him…trying as hard as he can not to look. Go ahead and look! Just look! Look at him! Just look boy…

It made me mad because I honestly didn’t want to. I wasn’t resisting the urge to look at her ass or anything, I just didn’t care. I don’t ever have to resist an urge, if I wanted to look I would look, I just don’t see the point when I have what I want and I love what I have. I want to always have the woman that I have now, therefore, there is no reason to look at other girls.

(I lied about never resisting an urge. I may not have to anymore, but there have been times when I have. The thing is, they only happened when I wished I was next to Nicole the most and she wasn’t there.”

I love Nicole. I want to spend the rest of my life with Nicole. That is how I feel and it is not going to change. I get why they don’t want me to be so in love so fast. They see that I’m serious about her. They all know how I feel, even if sometimes I get nervous and don’t admit it around them. I love my girlfriend, and I plan on spending my life with her.

My love that I have is exactly what it’s supposed to be. It’s unconditional. I am going to love her no matter what we go through. I believe I am always going to be in love with her. I know I am. She makes me happy and makes me feel fulfilled. The way I feel about her makes me feel very special.

I also recognize what can go wrong. She may not feel the same about me. Even though I never will and don’t ever plan to, she may leave. She may hurt me at some point. She may hurt me more deeply and worse than anyone ever could. I accept that these things can happen and accept the risk. I have faith in her and in us.

If she does hurt me…I’m not sure. I won’t stop loving her, but if I can’t trust her there’s a serious issue. I can’t be with someone that won’t always stand by me, leaves me, or cheats on me. If she does any of those things, which is one of the things my family is worried about I think, I would have to leave even if it would hurt and I want these feelings to last forever.

I know they also don’t want me to get distracted again. I won’t. I know what I have to do and what I want to do with my life, and I am going to do that. It’s honestly this simple, if she truly is the one, then she’ll always be mine and always be there. I will do the same for her, no matter what.

So I just have to wait and see what happens. I don’t want to rush anything. If it happens, I’ll be the happiest man in the world. If not, I’ll still be okay. So I’ll leave it in God’s hands and enjoy the time I do have with her. Hopefully everything works out how I want it to.


4 thoughts on “That’s Just How I Feel.

  1. Fat or not, it shouldn’t matter how she looks, you should love her for her and I’m sure you do. Even if she was a little chubby you could motivate her to be healthy and hit the gym not to be skinny but to be healthy. But your friends shouldn’t be concerned about her weight, it’s none of their business and to be honest she probably does love you and won’t hurt you, it’s just long distance sucks.. I know it’s hard.. A bit too hard for me.. Especially when the person you love wants to put more distances.. I’m sure she loves you it’s only a matter of time everything will be fine when you guys see each other again.

    • We’re home together right now. We’ve seen each other pretty much everyday since, she’s on a trip for a week and half so I’ll see her again soon before I don’t see her for a year.

      My coworkers were just being idiots. It’s what they do and it’s entertaining. You’re right that it’s none of their business and it shouldn’t matter, but that fat question was mostly a joke.

      What I’ve been posting is more about what she said after we had a fight. She’s said it before and it stuck with me. It bothers me because it sounds like she doesn’t trust me and honestly I get that. However, her not trusting that my feelings won’t change no matter what, that I’ll always be with her no matter what, and that I will always love her, sucks. It doesn’t make me feel good, but It is what it is. Like I said, I have faith in us and her. I trust her completely. We’ll see what happens.

      • I totally get where she is coming from.. Trust me when the love of my life told me that he will always be there and his feelings will never change… First thing that would go through my mind “you don’t know that” “yea that’s what your saying now, until someone better comes along” the reason I’ve always thought that was bc I’ve been hurt before.. He was the one to make me think that all guys are not jerks. He loves me so much it feels unreal and I feel like this bc we are 560 plus miles away.. He is very handsome lol and just like you he doesn’t care to even look at other girls he always keeps his gaze low, he tells me he’s found the one so there is no need to even to pay attention to other females. He wants to marry me after he graduates college.. Waiting and the distance is the hardest part… I love him too.. I get why Nicole feels that way, sometimes we just feel insecure and yes you can tell her you love her etc but at the end it all comes down to us girls trying to just trust the one we love, no matter how terrifying it maybe.. I’m still trying to do that. It takes time.. But I have faith in God that one day he will bond us in a pure relationship such as marriage. I’m sure one day you and Nicole will get married you both deserve each other. But for now she needs to learn to trust you and that will only come with time..

      • I get it. I understand. Honestly that’s all I want is to always be with her. I guess I was rushing it and that’s not what I want to do. I want her to have complete trust in me. I want to make her the happiest woman in the world. I want to give her the kind of love no one else can, or even try to. I don’t care how much time it takes, I just want to make it happen.

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