I’m going to my half-brother’s graduation party today, and honestly I really don’t want to go. I don’t particularly care about that side of my family, probably because I know they don’t particularly care for me. It’s weird being the “other” child. The one with the different mom, the one with the different family, but to be honest I’m more blessed than any of my siblings. God gave the best family in the world. No matter what I do, who I become or what I believe they will always love me and always let me know that I belong with them. Even if we don’t speak all the time or see each other often, I know where the people that love me are, and that is with the Hart’s.
I can’t stand my dad’s side of the family. I don’t like being around them. It just feels wrong. It feels like I’m trying to get there acceptance, and quiet honestly I couldn’t care less if we never spoke or saw each other again. I don’t think I have ever hated a human being, like truly hated another human being on God’s green earth, but the closest I’ve come is my father. I believe that I might honestly truly hate him, and that’s horrible. I should love my father. I want to love my father, but it’s hard to love someone that does not love you back. It’s even harder when mom says, “You know he loves you right?” you should never have to ask that in the first place.
My grandmother, and my boss Eddy said this as well when we were in the truck together at work, always tells me honor you father and mother or your days will be short. She said it is in the bible and I believe in this, as well as everything else that is in the bible. It is just really hard to do with my father. It’s hard to love someone that never made you feel like they wanted you. That didn’t try as hard with you as he did with his other kids. Who’s only form of showing he “cared” was to pay his child support and that was because he had to, not because he wanted to. What’s even worse is that he lives in the area. He stays about an hour or a little bit less away, but I’m your son, you can’t make an hour drive to say what’s up? To say hi? To say I love you? He’s more of a cautionary tale than someone I should be honoring. I won’t go against what is God’s word though. I just want to make sure I am doing this for the right reasons, that’s all.
Even though there’s a very large portion of me that doesn’t want to go, I’m going to. I just want to move on from the feelings I’ve had. I can’t let them control my life and what I’m doing. I need peace of mind, and I’ll only get it if I move on from my father and his side of the family.