Nicole isn’t talking to me. She’s really mad at me about what happened last weekend. I posted a video on snapchat of girls dancing and she saw it. She saw it and said she wanted to take a break. My initial thought was, “It was a video and I didn’t even do anything.” Everyone I talked to about it said it could have been 100x worse. I was really drunk too but that’s not an excuse. Now…I understand why she’s hurt. I do, if it was the other way around I’d probably want to scream at her and I would be really, really angry.
I don’t like this though. Not talking makes everything worse. The message it sends is that she doesn’t care. So when things get hard, she’s going to walk away. She’s not going to try to fix it, she’s going to leave. That’s not the type of person I thought she was. Not talking is the reason I’ve been partying in the first place. I can deal with a lot. I can deal with distance, and fighting and stay faithful. I never lie. I never cheat and never will. I would never leave. That stuff isn’t hard for me. I love Nicole.
There’s things that drive me crazy though. I can’t deal with not communicating especially when there’s distance, that’s a death sentence for any long distance relationship. When she shuts down its hard on me. Right now it’s really hard on me. I can’t deal with feeling like she thinks that I’m not going to stay true to my word. Like when she says, “You can’t promise me that you’ll never leave.” or “You don’t know that.” Why can’t I? Why would I say that if I didn’t mean it or wasn’t going to follow through? The day before I went out this weekend we were talking and it was great, until she said “Well I can still hurt you…you’re just gonna have trust me.” Like who says that? What am I supposed to think when I read that and you’re almost 600 miles away from me? All I thought about is when she was texting that guy when we first started dating. I never felt worse, and I acted out when I got to school. I would drink and party because sitting and thinking about it was eating me alive. Things like that are hard to shake, but I did it.
This sucks and I want us to talk about it. I want to get everything out so we can be good again. We were perfect just a little while ago. A snapchat video isn’t worth losing everything over. Especially when we say, “I’ll always love you.” and “I look forward to having kids with you.” I would never hurt her intentionally. I don’t try to hurt her. It happens but I never try to. I don’t think she would hurt me to get back at me because she’s hurt, but I don’t know. I really don’t.
It hurts me a lot when this happens, but this is part of distance. Things are going to happen and you can’t run away. You have to keep going. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I want to know what’s going on with her. I just want to fix it so this stops happeneing.